Eric Bailey's

Here is a contest for anyone who may be reading this blog. What on earth is this title about?!?!? After a few comments I might respond then to let people know.

If people who feel okay have yucky Mondays, then that would help explain why yesterday was such a terrible day. I did not like most of the day. When my wife finally dragged me out to go shopping with her, and buy some Christmas gifts, that helped, a lot. Before then, I was up and getting things done, but I certainly did not want to be doing anything. I wonder if the energy that gets used up in the work I have to do for most Sundays would make the crash that much worse for Mondays?

I know that there are other factors, but I had never considered the aspect of energy before. Don't worry, I am not going all wierd and mystical. Does anyone want to buy any crystals?

We just saw Christmas with the Kranks last night. Both my wife & I enjoyed it. I usually like John Grisham movies anyway, but my wife has trouble with ones that she has read the book of already. She says that this is probably the most acurate transition from book to screen of all the Grisham stuff.

There are lots of things to type, but very little is actually going to make it to the keyboard. It is enough to say that I don't feel like doing much today. I think I will look for a rock to crawl under and just hide for most of it. There are only so many things that we seem to have power over, that we are able to control and most of those I do not seem to be able to impact. I suppose that there are good days and bad days and today must be a bad day. Why can't I find any solutions. Why can't there be some kind of way to make life work so that I am not like the guy pushing the stone up hill, waiting for the time when I run out of strength and the rock rolls down over top of me.

Maybe I should be looking for a clarica advisor so that he can make things clear for me. That is what they do you know. It has nothing to do with insurance or investments, but rather moving people out from under a falling piano.

Having never seen the movie, I thought it would be a great obscure reference.

If you look at the posting time you can see that I did not get to my computer very quickly today (this is one of the first things I do). I have basically been doing something since I got up, and that means that I have not had time to sit and thinks and ponder life. So my life is probably not much like an apocalypse right now, but maybe that is waiting, maybe not.

The last two days I got have make my littlest boy happy. He has been asking to have a "just stay home" day. Now he has had two. He has school and babysitting at the beginning of the week, but spends the last two days at home with me. Today I have a happy littlest boy.

I am still questioning my leadership and whether I can lead here right now. It is a difficult place to be, trying to go somewhere, but looking back to see if anyone is following. Especially difficult when your confidence is not topped up. Not that I have been a particularly confident guy to begin with, but I have serious questions about whether anyone is ready to follow me. Since we are doing some new directions and such in church I guess I will find out if people are hearing me and following the direction I am trying to go in.

While I am feeling somewhat more positive today (part of the nature of having had some good talks with people today and getting done some of the special tasks around the house like Christmas lights), I am not out of the darkness, but I definitely feel more positive. One person noted the kinds of Psalm that appeals to me right now is the Psalm that talks about how difficult life is, but still I will hope in the Lord. That is about where I still feel, even on such positive days like this, where life seems to be moving forward. I hope this is a sign of days to come, I think things will be getting better. I think I now understand one of the things that helps is community. People who you can talk to and can spend time with you. Even when it is not focusing on my problems, community, visiting with people, talking about life, talking about spirituality, talking about each other, with each other just seems to help the world have colour and shape again. Community, I think I want to stay there.

Jonny Depp in a wierd movie early in his career. I don't remember much about it except that I did enjoy it.

I am feeling much better today. I suppose it comes and goes with the time of day and with the events of the day. Normally being tired (like I am) would make me a little worse, but since it is early in the day I seem to be doing fine. Maybe part of what I am doing is looking at various things that need to be done and not spending my time being sad or letting emotions out.

Ever since I was young (that means after) I have really avoided some emotions. I remember being teased, I remember crying. Yesterday when I was helping my younger son get ready for school, he did not want to wear his ski-pants. I had encoutered this a few times already, and I was not sure why. Then I asked the question, "Did someone tease about your ski-pants?" "Yes." I was starting to feel a little ... hmmmm. Angry might be too strong, butbeing a man my emotional vocabulary is not great, but it was something along those lines. I told Liam that if someone teases him, to tell me, to tell his teacher. It is not right that at the age of 4 someone should tease him about anything. I worry about this with my older son even more. I am sure he was teased last year and I am sure that had a big impact on who he was last year and why we are going through this series of tests for him. He seems more appreciated in his class, but I still worry about what the other kids my say to him. I want to be there, watching for things and protecting him from that, I don't want my boys to be teased. Unfortunately, I am at home and they are at school. Here I sit, giving them assurance and trying to build up their spirits, hoping that there is not someone on the other end tearing it down. Now I have successfully diverted everyone from examining my problems and have them wondering about schools and bullies and what might be happening to their own children or to children of friends of theirs. My work here is done.

Actually I have never seen that movie, but I have always liked the title.

Yesterday I ended up feel quite down. Maybe a bit of a relapse, we will see how this day goes.

I spent time knuckling down to get some work done for last night and then realized that I did not have a class last night, because all the groups are meeting together tonight. Oh, well, at least I have something to take and develop more and prepare more for next week. I like spending more time brewing (can't spell the other coffee word) a study than I usually do.

If only I could knuckle down with some of the other aspects of my work and have time to reflect on my other lessons, or sermons. Letting them sit finished and then reworking them a little here and there. I suppose when you have spent your life writing papers and reports just before they are due, you learn to write in such a way that does not permit enough reflection and when you do reflect you do not want to use that one. I am not sure I have the skills to tweek a lesson, instead I would probably start rewriting it. No wonder I can't write more than a short story, I'd have to come back and edit my own writing and be able to carry on ideas. I wonder how many others live life this way, only able to focus on writing short stories of life, not able to keep the full narative in front of them as they live? Kind of like driving in a new city without a map. Some people have a natural sense of direction that keeps them going in the general direction that they want (but even they can forget the direction that they want to go and get messed up), but others of us are probably just driving in circles for long periods of time without even knowing.

I am trying to form a pattern of journalling regularly in this form, but it seems every once in a while in my new habit, Mondays get away from me. I guess I am going to have to work a little harder at Mondays. We had more meetings yesterday, and more wondering about how my son is really doing. Is he okay or is having trouble. The test yesterday needs to be examined before we will be told how he did. Now it is waiting to hear back from this one.

Today I kept busy for the most part meeting with various people trying to get things done (some of which I should have had done already). But then as the afternoon approached I started to enter that "heavy" part of the day. This is when I do not want to do anything. Now I have hit that wall. Maybe I'll get some things done anyway, but it will take twice the work to do. I don't know how much fun I'll be to be around, but tonight I have a class to lead so I have things to get done.

Paul Janz is a Canadian artist based out of the Calgary area (from what I remember). His song Believe In Me was my grad song. His music is very techno but I enjoy his songs and at times they have really struck a cord with me.

I feel mostly blah about things right now, neither up nor down. It is odd. My responsibilities for this weekend are low, but I do have a project that I need to accomplish today at the house. That project will be a test of my will power to get it done.

Yesterday I was at a conference "Lead Like Jesus", they call it a movement, but none of us sitting there were caught up the same way. My friends subtitled it "How to be rejected by your friends and crucified by your enemies." Fairly fitting comment. There was some good ideas about leadership and some challenges, but the question that came to me a few times is "Am I leading or just taking a walk?" I guess we will see when we discuss the whole vision process we are working through. I also have to open my mind to hear people who may be expressing similar ideas to my in different words (that is even better than using my words, that internalizing). Maybe if we are walking in the same direction it will have the same result.

I'm not sure why a blind musician would find it so amusing to have all sorts of sight references on one of his albums, but Jeff Healy does have a Canadian sense of humor.

I don't think I am as depressed as I have been the last while, but I do know that there are strong emotions simmering under the surface. A drive last night with my wife stirred up memories that brought some of those emotions to the surface. My resolve to work while I work through this has been encouraged by friends, and that is helpful.

Now that I have received the different offers to help, I have to figure out what kind of help I need. Maybe that is the most difficult part, maybe more people would be willing to ask for help if they knew what to ask for. But most of us just slug through life, doing and not asking. What would be helpful to me, what do I need help doing? (besides cleaning the house).

I really like Blue Rodeo stuff.

My meeting is over. I have finished what I need to finish. There will be more talking later, but I am finished the "have to"s for now. Mostly I am feeling more relaxed, but some of our social situations does leave me a little on edge. I am actually starting to think again about things like community involvement, For the Love of Reading, swimming with Liam's class and all that kind of thing.

Some parts of ministry I feel ready to do, to take an active part in, but many other parts I am not sure that I am ready. But I need to continue. I have considered quitting, I have considered the leave of absense idea, none of these work for our family. I need to keep walking in this work, I don't really have any other direction I can go.

Boy, would I really like to go back to school now. It feels so much like that option is just not available for me. Each of the ideas for this that we have tried just never quite come together, they just do not work into my life. Each time I push the idea back, I start to think that I need to accept my life the way it is and stop hoping for this other. I'm probably not ready for school right now anyway. I know that if I was going to school in Winnipeg and riding the bus back and forth on the weekend during this time I would have crashed emotionally or just plain freaked out. Maybe next year they will have the course set up so that I can take it, or maybe I need to look into different kind of schooling (or maybe I just need to stop looking at school and accept life as I have it).

A fun Andrew Cash (maybe it should be Canadian Artist week?) song.

I did not think that I was staying up overly late the last while, but I have been extremely tired the past couple of days. Yesterday if there was any break in the action where I would be sitting for a period of time, I would have to focus to keep from drifting into sleep mode.

What made this difficult was that we had meetings yesterday all day long. At the end of the day we went to see Richard's play. To give credit to the play, I did not fall asleep despite how tired I was, I did not even have those moments like I had in the meetings during the day.

Today I have to prepare myself for one of those awkward meetings, where I get to talk about the things I don't want to talk about. What is worse is I have other things to talk about that do not go along well with that conversation. I am not sure how I am going to work all this in. At least I have a presentation ready for next week to run by people in this meeting. I have some of my homework done.

The Barney Bentall song mentioned above has been in my head for a few days.

I got through this past Sunday, with the sermon going over well. I know only that I could not get through except with the realization that I used in my sermon. If you look up team Hoyt, you will see a son who can almost nothing and a dad who does everything to make sure his son can experience life and competition. This is what God does for me, because I know I cannot.

I am not preaching next week so I have another week to work on preparing myself and what I will want to say. I have things that I need to do before then, people I need to talk to. I hope to have those conversations finished, but I fear that things won't get done.

Worry, worry, there are completely different things that I need to get done too, arrangements to be made to make life not so worrisome for my family. Add this and the regular chores and the extra focus that is needed at church. I have a lot to do. Who doesn't? I need to talk to people, specific people, to get some things started, or things are going to get worse. Maybe tomorrow.

It has been three weeks now since I last spoke on a Sunday morning. I was thinking it was going to be difficult to get up and speak after hearing the different speakers I heard, and now I know it is difficult to get back up and speak. There is so much I don't want to say, so much I don't want to deal with in front of others. Yet part of the nature of preaching is also self revelation. People get to see glimpses of you when you preach. I am not ready to show glimpses of me.

In two days from now, I will be preaching whether I want to or not. When I started speaking in North Battleford, I wanted to do it again, to try, to improve. Speaking where I am now, has always been about me communicating better and better, the kinds of things I am learning and the things I know. All of which show things about me I do not want to show this week. I may be speaking on Sunday, but I am not ready for it.

Yesterday night I had a good time. My wife and I saw a movie and we both enjoyed it. As I sat through all those previews (which I normally like) I kept thinking, there's another movie I don't want to see. A think pretty much all of the previews were the same story told with different actors in different settings and none of them interested me. Then the movie came on and I was not particularly expecting much from this movie, it had Richard Gere in it.

I'm going to be checking out MSN chat today a couple of times today. I;m hoping that some of my friends or family will be on line.

Why is it so difficult to ask for help. Why can't this just be an easy, "Could you do this for me?" I know that I have not asked for help recently, but others have helped. I don't think I would have asked for the help. I don't very often actually ask for help. I would rather not do it and it not get done than ask for help.

I've known people who left churches because they did not get the help they needed, or wanted. Did they ask? Did they tell someone what was happening? No, they just expected help because these are church people. Why can't we ask for help? I'd really like to point out the problem to some of these people, but unfortunately I would need help to do it, and I ain't askin'.

It is a good thing that I know how to juggle. I have a number of different tasks that seem to be creeping up at the wrong times. Just when I get one settled, then I have another tossed into the air. The other fun part is that some of the events that get settled, get tossed back in because I am either forgetting something, or didn't know something.

Had some almost relatives stop by on their way through town. It was a good visit, I really enjoy people stopping in and telling stories, updating me on how my family is doing and just visiting. They were gone by the time we got up, but I really enjoyed the visit. So much so that today does not feel the same as the last few. Today feels quite normal, I feel even, and balanced, but nervous as to when I might realize that I am not. So sense in worrying about the inevitable when I have more juggling to do.

If I'd have blogged Saturday, I would have wrote about a pit. I am not sure that I am there anymore, but I sure must have been on Saturday. Sunday was a day with ups and downs. There were times I was ready to break down, and there were times that I was happy, as if my life were back to normal. I think I am climbing out of that pit again. I must not have fallen in too far, but there is a sense that the edge is pretty slippery.

Today I see being better, a day mostly of rest, but there are some business things to take care of (which at this point I'd rather not do). By evening our household will be back to its busy state which does not allow for much, but the rush of finishing different tasks. I 'm going to go enjoy a slow, calming breakfast with my wife. Today is definitely looking better.

I am alternating between pain and numbness and I only have two days to pull myself together.

I couldn't sleep last night. At least I think I couldn't sleep. I think I spent most of the night hovering half-way between sleep and awake. I felt like I was lying in bed for hours and aware of it most of the time. This is a weird, dark memory. I don't think my eyes were open, I don't think my mind was totally awake, but I know I was not asleep.

There are nights when you can't sleep because you mind won't shut down, you have things to do and pplaces to be, but you can't get there till the morning. That is different from my sleeplessness. There are nights when either because of adrenalin or caffine you just can't settle down, but again that was different.

Last night was floating in a semi-conscious state, half asleep, and half awake. The problem is that you know you are awake. If you are willing to lay still and rest you can get some rest, if you start to move, you lose that rest. You start philosophizing about how this relates to life, I'm a bit tired right now, I'll catch up later.

I can't help but try to be cute with my titles.

I am finding the glasses very interesting (good and bad). I wore them all week at the conference, but I get back here and I don't wear them as much. I find that when I do things where I want to see more than one thing at a time that the glasses are a pain. They limit my focus. If I just watch TV then it's not a problem, but if I want to talk to someone and watch TV, then they have to come off my face. I can't look in two places at once (I need them for watching TSN because I can't read the score in the corner of the screen and that alone is reason enough for getting glasses).

I make sure that I always wear them for driving (except for last night) so that I will be used to them for the long trips when I will want them. I did find lights extra bright last night driving home, so I know that these evil glasses do help with the glare from headlights.

I am not sure if I should be trying to wear them all the time through. I don't know if that is what you are supposed to do. I am finding them bothersome enough that I don't want to wear them all the time, but if I am going to be used to them maybe I should wear them more often. I have been told I look smarter in them, but maybe it is because they mask the natural dumb expression I normally wear. Well I guess I am going to have to put my glasses back on soon, I think my eyes are getting adjusted to them and play games with me when I don't. That's where I stand, my eyes like the glasses, but my ears don't.

I get ready to start today, thinking of the things I have to get done. Thinking of the things that I should already have done, andthinking of the things I gave other people to do that aren't done. The ones I want to do are the last, the ones I need to do are a mix of the first two. I don't think I like having a lot of things to do. When I can see what I need to do, I can sit down and get it done but when the task is more complex, it gets difficult to even start. What do I do first, I'd be willing to start in the middle, but that would require knowing where the start and middle were.

If I keep looking for the start or for a point of reference on my jobs, I never get it done. Some of the jobs like picking up around the house are some of hte most difficult. When I get determined and full of energy to get it done, I spend a great deal of time picking up a thing here and a thing there, and goingback over where I have cleaned to pick up some more things. It feels like I have to clean a room 5 or 6 times to make it look like work has been done on it. This is what I mean by not being able to see the start or finish. Time to start spinning those wheels at some of the jobs I have to do.

I don't feel the same, I don't feel like sitting through the same routine as the past few weeks, but here I am back at it. Last week I sat through a bunch of lectures that were inspiring, and now I am back to my normal life, and trying to not forget what I heard.

It was nice yesterday to set in the worship service and not have to be ready to speak. It was interesting to hear the connection between community and wisdom. Community fosters wisdom, while our lone ranger mentality is unreliable.

All these big ideas and plans, but I've got a house to clean.