Eric Bailey's

Two more main speakers. It was amazing. Randy Harris spoke and really challenged us to be real, to be authentic. I made notes and I have to look again, but I was really convicted about who I was representing. While among Jeff Walling's challenged was to celebrate, we have to be real about it. Bob Russell spoke next and he got very practical in his call to unity. Also his warning of the criticism that will result of these kinds of meetings. Don't give up.

The most exicting part was spending time after that with John Nicholson, who works with a foundation in Calgary that loans money at reasonable rates to churches in all three streams of the Restoration. John's role is with church planting where the foundation doesn't make loans, but rather supports with the money that was made in the rest of the foundation. He talked about church plants that are happening, and ones that are being planned, and of dreams of the possible. I want to be involved somehow, even if it is only in some kind of prayer or spiritual support.

Before I left the conference, I had my book signed by Lynn Anderson, I talked to Bob Harrington (a family friend from way back), and I met a relative, Stephen Bailey. He too attended the conference. I had a good time and I feel pretty good, I hope it lasts and I hope it translates into energy that others can catch rather than energy that seems foreign or temporary. For now, I feel good.

**Back dated

Last night Jeff Walling spoke last, and left a lasting impression. We are all broken people as God works through us. It is never about what we do, but rather it is about what God does in us and through us.

Jeff posed the idea that we have forgotten how to celebrate. When people see you with a Bible, they will hush, they we become very somber. Exodus 15 reflects God’s people when they know that God has saved them. We are not called to always be loud and boisterous. But we are not even that some of the time. We do not have many occasions where we do get to party, where we are the people of God recognizing that God has saved us.

Then I think about the church I lead. I think about the things that seem to really touch people there. Are we all depressed? Do we all need to see some kind of community counselor who can help us through the grief, or depression that has settled over this community? Or is this me. Is this where I am most authentic, and so that is when we touch people? I want to recapture the joy, the celebration. This does not mean that we lose the ability to be down, but rather we can express that too. But we do not want to be always down, we want to reflect the joy of God too. Even in some of the most depressed psalms, they seem to reflect an inner joy and confidence in God that doesn’t make sense, but it does show God. I think that more time in the Psalms will be good for me.

**Back dated

Yesterday I started out knowing nobody at the conference but a couple of the speakers who would really know my parents. Then I went golfing with 3 guys, all of whom are from the instrumental side of things. It was fun. I played horrible, but one of the guys, who played with us, thought that he was going to do horrible, but he did alright. I think that I made him feel better so that he was then hitting better. He did not feel the pressure to keep up with the big hitters with me hitting like I did and so he hit pretty well.

Then while waiting for the evening session to start a fellow came over and sat down and chatted with me. It was nice to have the company again since I did not meet up with the golf guys after we played. He too was from the instrumental group, but he had worked in all three strains of the Restoration.

Then after our evening session we all pile back into the room that will be our meeting room for the rest of the conference. I was walking to the middle of the room looking for a table, and I heard “…Ontario, Canada.” I turned and looked and read the name tag and it was Jim Tune, the minister from a church I had visited in Mississauga. I chat with him briefly. I need to remember to talk to him about our family camp. I started last year investigating his availability to speak, and it sounded promising. He is a great speaker.

I sat at a table not knowing anyone there. I did not talk much with the guys who were there, but we did introduce ourselves. Then one guy noticed my name tag which has where we are from on them. He was the minister at a church before Mark Owens was. Mark was in Thunder Bay for a year and just left this past spring. I remember having a couple of visits with Mark.

After that, I look around the room trying to locate Lynn Anderson because I am supposed to say “hi” to him there (and he is one of the few people that I know who is at this conference). Suddenly I notice someone at my table, who had just sat down. He was looking at me so I turned and looked and it was Kelly Carter, the former minister from Victoria. Someone I knew! He tells me that Bob Harrington is there somewhere, a fellow Canadian!

This conference is starting to get less intimidating as I discover that I am not alone here. That is always a nice discovery.

**Back dated

Yesterday was interesting to say the least. Just as we were leaving for the airport I could not find my passport, and when we got to the airport they suggested I go get my birth certificate. So we went home and my wife found that. As I waited in the airport, a guy sat down next to me with a palm pilot and key board and began typing. I asked a couple of questions about the compatibility of his keyboard, and we started talking about technology until it was time to board. He could play movies on his Palm. On board it turned out he was sitting next to me so we talked all the way to Toronto.

In TO I found where I was supposed to go and waited and waited. Finally it was time to board. They boarded first class first, and then worked their way to the back of the plane. This creates line-ups. Load the back then the front and you do not have the waiting that we had! On this flight I sat by the window, beside me was a nice guy from England, and beside him was a woman from southern Ontario and the three of us talked all the way to Chicago. It was fun. We talked about nearly everything.

The final leg was quite. No talking, no learning about new people. I even slept through the take off. I also realized that my landing time was going to be too late to pick up the car I had rented. When I got there I went to the airport rental agency and they did not have any but referred us to the companies there who did. Then I found out that with the huge conference centre in town that the car rentals over book and expect some people to no show. A guy that I rode with to another car rental place had shown up for his rental and discovered that there were no cars left despite his reservation! I finally got a car and started driving to my wife’s uncle’s house. It took quite a while to get all the way over to this part of the city (or is it this city?). Dallas is a lot bigger than the map lets me believe. I know it is big, but time and space seem to have expanded or maybe I have trouble wrapping my mind around some distances. Today I now head out for some golf, if I can find the place.

This is tough. Pretty soon my wife takes me to the airport and I fly away for a few days. I will be away from my family and I don't like that. I will be flying and I don't like that. I will be navigating on my own in a city(s) that is bigger than the big cities that I am used to, and I don't normally navigate. While I know that I want to go, now that the time is fast approaching I am very hesitant and kind of wishing that I was not going. A break from the routine will do me good, but I don't want to leave the comfortable right now. Gotta fly.

I think Mondays will pretty much always be a somewhat down day for me. Sunday being my big day, I have a lot things that have to be done each Sunday and when that is over I begin to crash.

One of those things is finished. Football ended for me this week in disappointing fashion. A team we beat twice in the regular season showed up and clobbered us. Our big win over the first place team in our division last week does nothing for us now. Maybe in a couple of days I will be able to enjoy the 5 & 5 record. Right now I wish we had won, I wish I could have hung onto more throws (I dropped 2 catchable one, but also caught a few including a couple deep).

I have to put the game behind me and start to get excited about my upcoming trip. Just one more day until I leave.

We are getting ready for a whirl-wind trip. I should be sleeping so that I can drive because my wife will need to sleep. Here I sit instead typing and worrying about everything else. We are mostly packed, but still I am not sleeping. I hope things change soon.

We drive 8 hour there, then after a number of meetings the next day, we drive 8 hours back. Doesn't that sound like fun? The part that actually has me a little nervous is the trip back because it is done in the dark. Maybe my mind will shut down soon for a couple of hours.

I see the world differently now. It seems to have changed.

Okay, not much but just a little. I an now wearing glasses. I went to the eye doctor last week and she said I could have them, but they are not legally required. Getting them may help reduce the glare of nightime driving which could start to become an issue. So I got my prescription and now I have my glasses which I wear quite a bit so I can get used to them. The really difficult part is not getting used to the feeling of wearing them, they are not heavy and don't feel weird. The difficult part is that the world is magnified in one area but different just outside of that area. I still see all of it, but have to focus on the area within my glasses so I don't get disorientated. People with glasses probably don't remember this adjustment but being an adult learning to use them I am noticing this one.

One odd thing is that it is not as difficult when I have the sunglasses part attached as when they are off. I am used to sunglasses, but the difference without the sunglasses is very noticeable. I hope I'll get used to them soon.

The meeting with the experts was not as painful as I feared. They sat and talked with us about my son, instead of quizzing us about things we are or aren't doing. I did notice however that they seem to have already decided that my son fits the criteria. My wife was talking about giftedness testing, but they were not looking at that yet. It seems there is some confusion between what the school does and what the LRFC does. Not a big surprise when you think about the fact that these are separate organizations with government funding that have some overlapping duties. Maybe I shouldn't voice thoughts like that.

I think we are definitely going to have to watch for conclusions now. They have been very hesitant to put a label on my son in the past, but the last two meetings it seems to have been an unsaid assumption that he has asperpergers syndrome.

Readers Digest has a neat story on a lady whose son was diagnosed ADHD and all the emotions she had to work through because of that diagnosis. I recomend that article to people because when you are dealing with the possibility that there might be something wrong with your own child there are a lot of different emotions you feel. There is also the issue of labels and other people's perceptions because of the label. It is a good article called "Understanding Harry" but unfortunately I cannot provide a link because the article is not online. Come over and read my copy.

Today we have some experts coming to visit the house. These people are coming to see what we are like and to then watch my son in his "natural environment. Nothing quite makes you feel like a bad parent than when you begin thinking that others are grading your parenting.

You can think of all the things that are wrong, the messy house, the overflowing toy box, the tons and tons of movies, and start to question how you have lived so far. The thoughts keep coming back to the idea that my son is broken and I did something wrong. Or maybe I am still doing things wrong. Maybe he would be doing so much better if I was one of those people who ran their house in such a way that life was totally organized.

I really don't like to think about this, it is easier to avoid these thoughts than to try to deal with them. What do you do when your told something is wrong with your child. When my little boy was just a baby, I had a dreadful thought. I wondered if he was okay, or if he had a problem, something like Autism or what if he had a form of down syndrome or another developmental disability. How would he ever get to have a normal childhood, how would he be able to make friends, to have fun, and even later to have girl friend, grow up, fall in love? Would I be able to handle the heartache? Now we are being convinced that he has a form of autism, high functioning, but still autism. When I first had the thought it terrified me, now it still scares me.

Guilt, fear, sorrow and mourning, all kinds of wonderful emotions are flooding in this morning, all because I have to think about this situation because we have meeting today with the experts. I will have to find a way to deny again for the rest of the day so that I can forget my struggle and do some work. I guess that today is going to be a test of my emotional defense mechinisms, I am sure I can repress really well, at least until 1:00.

This day is half over by the time I get to my blog. I've just been having too much fun. This morning I went to the optomitrist and picked out frames for my new glasses and I should have them by the end of the week. It was a very interesting experience, because I just show up with a prescription, but no idea where to start for looking at the glasses. When we finally got started with the trying on of glasses, it seemed that a whole bunch of styles (some of which I used to wear in sunglasses) were not right for me. What ended up being picked was a pair that was fairly close in style to the sun glasses I had picked out (at the dollar store for $2, too bad these weren't that cheap). We will see how I adjust to wearing glasses now.

The another fun thing I did was get a free meal at McDonalds. A radio station was sponsoring a free meal give away from 11:30-12:00. Not having to be at work today I could afford to go and work through the line up and get a free meal. Free is always cool.

And the best thing today was that my wife and I both had this morning off and we spent it together. This has turned into a funday.

I have been anticipating this for a while now. The gym is finally open. I can go work out. I guess that can is the important word, because I have not yet gone this week. I liked the results I was experiencing, the way that I was better equiped to play football and hockey, but I don't seem to be getting out.

I remember reading something like that (I don't do the good that I know to do...). Why can't I just do it? I feel a lot of pressure to be here by certain times, and to have things ready at certain times, but this week some of my deadlines don't exist. It should be easier this week to go, but I still sit.

I am not an avid golfer. I enjoy playing, but when I consider what it would take to play the game well, I begin to think that I will basically not get better until I cannot play other sports.

I spent yesterday out golfing and I actually started alright. I also did not fade too horribly at the end. The thing that probably made the game a little easier for me to make these guesses is that we did not keep official score.

There are a lot of things in life that are like golf. Some of these things I work at and try to get better at, while others I know I could learn but I do not want to make the time for all of these things in my life. The ones I want to learn I can practice and get better at and enjoy, but other things that are not as important, or that I just do not want to make the time for, I do not get better at, I do not learn how to do. Now I have to rethink many of the things that I am not getting done, that I probably should be getting done. I hate it when I think too far and give myself more homework.

I am trying to use the different technology available. I am not sure what this will do, but I would like to get a picture like this on my blog. This is the picture from when we were leaving Africa, Liam was shy and sad, knowing that something was happening, Haaken was taking in the excitment of travel, Erica was sad leaving her parents, and I was stressed about all that we would have to do to try and get home. I am not sure that we were really ready to go, but it was time.

Christopher Reeve died this weekend. I seem to be getting older without seeing it. Everytime I look around one of the people I grew up watching or listening to is dead. Just think no more guest appearances on Smallville, no more public appearances and calls from him to support spinal cord research. Now when we watch the old movies we will remember that he is not here anymore. Certainly a reminder of how finite life is. Christopher Reeve reminded me of how fragile life is when he had his accident.

This news reminds me of one of my fears that arises whenever I look at the briefness of life. My parents are now in their 70s and they seem to be doing well, but everytime I hear about another difficulty they are having I worry just that much more. I am not ready to experience life without them, I don't think I will ever be ready for life without them. I'm still not sure I am used to the idea that my grandma is gone.

It seems every keeps getting older, and older starts to mean the loss of important people to our lives. I like what Jeff Walling (I think) has to say in his book (Dancing with God?) about death. It is not natural, we were not created to die. We should not feel okay that this is a natural part of life. We were meant to live forever in relationship with God, and some day that will be fixed, but the separation that we experience from our loved ones was something that was not a part of God's original design. While I don't accept it, I will for now have to live with it.

I am just about a full week into my withdrawl. I am hoping to be able to compensate for what I am missing with watching some tv this weekend. I don't actually get to play football until the 17th. I really like playing football. I especially like it now that I get to use more of my abilities and not have to play QB where I am okay but not a game breaker. I like that the QB we have trusts me and throws me the ball. I am not sure how I am going to hold out until next weekend. It would be okay if I could go throw the ball around with my wife or with others, but I can't actually throw still. Without throwing (except a few each week in warm-ups) my shoulder still hurts like crazy all week.

Last year during the indoor season, I was contemplating how much I really wanted to play football. At that point hockey was more fun, and less painful. Now that my team actually winss once in a while and I get to catch instead of shouldering the whole blame for not being able to throw the ball it is fun. I think I 'll try and throw the ball with my son, maybe after school, if I can convince him.

I am not sure how it happens. Monday I worked extra hard at the livingroom. It was not just cleaned, but I tried to get the shelves looking neater. It was noticed. Now, today, the livingroom looks terrible. I picked up some papers already this morning, but I am not sure I can keep up with this room. And yet here I was going to focus on a room each of my days off and that would get us caught up again. Not working. Some magical pixies show up at night and just go crazy scattering things, dropping things, and moving things so that nothing looks clean anymore.

If all parts of life is like that, when you stop focusing on it, it tendss to get cluttered, how can we keep our lives from getting messed up. I can focus on my job, but my friend relationships get dusty, I can focus on my friends, but my home relationships get dusty, I can focus on home, but work gets dusty. Something gets left undone, unfinished, or just neglected. Could this just be a struggle for me? Is multi-tasking what this is about and I am bad at it, or is this something different. maybe everyone struggles but because we only see the times they focus on us that we don't see the rest of their lives getting dusty, getting piled on by those magical mess faeries. Oh well, at least one of my magical mess faeries is away at school right now, maybe I can get caught up a little.

This morning was a bad start. I slept in. When that happens everyone else is behind schedule. Worse yet, today the boys started taking the bus to school, but we did not know that it would start today. So the boyss were just about ready when the bus came, but not completely. They told us that they usually come earlier, so we'd better be ready. No problem as long as I don't sleep in.

I slept in because I went to a movie last night, and then couldn't sleep for a while after. It wasn't that the movie made me think, I just couldn't sleep. The movie did not seem to impact me much at all. It had a happy ending like any feel good movie should, but I left the theater feeling more like I had been in a quiz and could not remember all the answers. There were a number of things the movie reminded me of that I could not pull from the recesses of my mind. It also had other references that I could pick out and remember the movies. But I left the movie not changed in mood, just kinda flat, even not up or down. I guess that has carried over to today. I wonder how I can change that...

I have some papers to drop off with someone because for some reason I cannot seem to email them. I like the way that email lets me send a question or information and then I do not have to worry about it any more. It is done. I can send and receive pictures, I can pass on family information. It just seems to let me do immediately things that I forget to do otherwise.

Websites can be like that to. Message groups can help you connect with people that you would not connect with normally in the course of a day. Blogs let you see what someone else is thinking about though you may not see that person for a couple of days (and it lets you think out loud, so to speak).

The only real question about all this fancy technology is, does it help build and maintain these relationships or does it give a false sense of connectedness when there is no connection? With family it seems to help keep in touch, but it does not replace actual phone calls, or visits. There needs to be an awareness of technology. It iss good, but over used it can hinder the very things it was facilitating. Too much time spent at email and message groups takes away from family. I better stop thinking out loud so I can get some other things done.

I am not sure if I am jusst tired from a busy, active weekend, or if I am a little depressed from a bad football game. After our Saturday game, we felt like we could play with most teams, and then on Sunday we discovered that we definitely could not play with this team.

I don't feel like doing anything today. I know I have some things that I need to do, some things that I would like to do, and even some things that would be good to do, but I just want to go to bed. This game brought back a lot of the feelings that I have been experiencing the past couple years. The feelings that make me want to play hockey, where I know I can usually do something. I have more to give on the field, but I don't want to be bossy about it. I'm not just some receiver saying "I'm open". I am the coach of the team. When I give advise, it is like a boss telling you to look at something. But I could have done more.

I think that there are a few other things besides football that bring out these feelings. I could have done more, I should have spoken up more. That is depressing. I often over analyze situations. I can think myself out of many decisions, and then let that regret start to kick in. Is that regret or guilt? I think I'll go back to bed and think about this one.

I've made plans for the end of the month. Now I have to wait. Not everything is set up, but most of it is. I have noticed a trend and maybe this is why I hate waiting, I make plans, I prepare and then I have to wait. While I am waiting I can work on something else, but my excitement about the previous idea seems to die down. That's no good. I need to figure out how to hold onto the excitement, the plan while still moving on to the next task.

Right now I am excited about my conference at the end of the month, but it is so far away. Meanwhile there are other plans before that time that I need to get in order. Plans for Church, plans for my wife and I. Plans for the boys. Plans for my sports teams. Plans are everywhere, and if someone is not doing it, things do not happen. I think I'll head back to bed!