Tuesday, October 19, 2004
My Son
Today we have some experts coming to visit the house. These people are coming to see what we are like and to then watch my son in his "natural environment. Nothing quite makes you feel like a bad parent than when you begin thinking that others are grading your parenting.
You can think of all the things that are wrong, the messy house, the overflowing toy box, the tons and tons of movies, and start to question how you have lived so far. The thoughts keep coming back to the idea that my son is broken and I did something wrong. Or maybe I am still doing things wrong. Maybe he would be doing so much better if I was one of those people who ran their house in such a way that life was totally organized.
I really don't like to think about this, it is easier to avoid these thoughts than to try to deal with them. What do you do when your told something is wrong with your child. When my little boy was just a baby, I had a dreadful thought. I wondered if he was okay, or if he had a problem, something like Autism or what if he had a form of down syndrome or another developmental disability. How would he ever get to have a normal childhood, how would he be able to make friends, to have fun, and even later to have girl friend, grow up, fall in love? Would I be able to handle the heartache? Now we are being convinced that he has a form of autism, high functioning, but still autism. When I first had the thought it terrified me, now it still scares me.
Guilt, fear, sorrow and mourning, all kinds of wonderful emotions are flooding in this morning, all because I have to think about this situation because we have meeting today with the experts. I will have to find a way to deny again for the rest of the day so that I can forget my struggle and do some work. I guess that today is going to be a test of my emotional defense mechinisms, I am sure I can repress really well, at least until 1:00.
You can think of all the things that are wrong, the messy house, the overflowing toy box, the tons and tons of movies, and start to question how you have lived so far. The thoughts keep coming back to the idea that my son is broken and I did something wrong. Or maybe I am still doing things wrong. Maybe he would be doing so much better if I was one of those people who ran their house in such a way that life was totally organized.
I really don't like to think about this, it is easier to avoid these thoughts than to try to deal with them. What do you do when your told something is wrong with your child. When my little boy was just a baby, I had a dreadful thought. I wondered if he was okay, or if he had a problem, something like Autism or what if he had a form of down syndrome or another developmental disability. How would he ever get to have a normal childhood, how would he be able to make friends, to have fun, and even later to have girl friend, grow up, fall in love? Would I be able to handle the heartache? Now we are being convinced that he has a form of autism, high functioning, but still autism. When I first had the thought it terrified me, now it still scares me.
Guilt, fear, sorrow and mourning, all kinds of wonderful emotions are flooding in this morning, all because I have to think about this situation because we have meeting today with the experts. I will have to find a way to deny again for the rest of the day so that I can forget my struggle and do some work. I guess that today is going to be a test of my emotional defense mechinisms, I am sure I can repress really well, at least until 1:00.
// posted by Eric @ 1:03 PM 
