Eric Bailey's

Well after such a fun and good day yesterday I should be basking in the joy of so many people who care about me, but instead I feel down because of my interactions with just one of them. Well, I guess I just have to get over it and try to enjoy tonight.

In a short time I will be heading off to my first Blue Rodeo concert. I have enjoyed the band for a long time, although I miss the sound of Bob Wiseman at keyboard.

I attended a worship seminar (simulcast) today and I should be going for the second half tomorrow with a group of people. I will have more to say about it another day (like tomorrow).

I found out that my nephew really likes my picture I have on my blog. I like it too, I should get more pictures done like that.

Today is my friend's birthday, he turns 35 this year. He and I are twins of course so I have officially entered middle age, which should last approximately 10 years (35-45) and then it will be the slow downward spiral. Actually that doesn't sound so funny. I get it sounds worse to my older brothers who are much closer than me to that downward spiral. I think that when I got married my wife's parents were somewhere around that 45 number. In ten years my oldest son would be about 18. He would be finishing high school (if everything continues as well as it has gone so far). Life I am sure will look much different at the end of middle age than it does at the start.

I'm not sure what to do for my crisis though, I have a motorcycle (in the shop right now) so I don't have to blow a bunch of money on a sports car which would not measure up to the fun that can be had on a bike. My wife is already younger than me, not much point of trading her in. What is left to do for the crisis?

I just realized that one of my friends might not find my openning paragraph as funny as I do, so you might want to skip it. Of course if you are still reading all the way down here, then you have read it and my warning is too late. I'll say it is a midlife memory failure and leave it at that.

One last thing. As I was sitting at home relaxing after the boys got home from school, the doorbell rang. It was my parents. They drove from Saskatchewan to here just for my birthday. And they and my family managed to keep it a secret (even though my wife tricked me into cleaning the spare room). O the surprises this year. I wasn't even sure that anything was going to happen this year, I'd heard nothing about any plans so I was just preparing to go on with life (should I say midlife). Now I know that my parents will be here (are here) and we are going out on Friday for my birthday.

I keep making these lists on my palm pilot and it seems like there are numerous things I can make lists about. To help solve some of this problem of more work than we know what to do with we are going to have a meeting tonight with Molly Maid. Some professionals who not only can come in and clean, but also can organize. This seems to be a problem. Until I can afford and executive assistant the church has to rely on my own disorganized approach (except in areas where others are involved to keep it organized). There are some things we are discussing as making part of certain ministry teams. Ideas like Outreach ministry including follow up for new people, Body Life including flowers or letting people know about our members who are ill. A lot of this could be solved with a part time secretary, to do letters and organize things. Hmmm. How to make this a priority and yet be able to get back to 3/4 time myself? Basically this comes back to needing a bigger budget, or perhaps someone who doesn't need a lot of income, but would be willing to work 1/4 time as a secretary and that be all that they would need.

If office hours only overlapped one day a week (for communication purposes) then we could have a person to answer phone calls more often. Some of the things I do I would have to give up, and the photocopier would have to learn how to work for other people besides me. Thinking about the people in the church, I am not sure that we are ready for this yet. I don't know who could do a job like this, that doesn't need more than 1/4 time.

One a different page, I just received my last twice a week shot, and I don't need another shot until next week after which I move to monthly shots. This will be better, and less interuptive to our schedule. Hopefully this will give my arms more time to recover and not get quite so red or itchy. Of course after the shot (like right now) it will always be a little red and a lot itchy.

There is a very interesting article in Leadership Today called 3 Fibs and a truth about sex. This article is a must read for people working with teens and parents. I think that it challenges us in our approach to how we talk with them and what we are willing to say about sex. Too bad it is not available on line yet at leadershipjournal.net. There are other interesting articles though.

Blue Rodeo wrote a song about the outskirts a long time ago and I have not connected with it as much as I used too. Right now the song by A Simple Plan is still ringing in my head. I really resonate with it for some reason.

Here is Outskirts by Blue Rodeo:

Here on the outskirts of life
Dreams seldom come true
Flippin' thru photographs emotional holographs
Cutouts of all the figures you might've been
Reflections of a life that you once lived
As the evening descends
Your conscious of every breath
And every moment is a crisis, I guess
Starin' out the windows of your hotel room
You lit one too many fires underneath that spoon
Well I guess you deserve the chosen few
Real life, just out of view

Well that's just here,
On the outskirts
Yea, that's here,
On the outskirts of your life

And there's a picture we've all seen
It was taken in the lobby of the L.A. Ambassador Hotel
It's the silhouette of a man in another's arms
So turn off your TVs, and let that train go home
'Cause everyone warned you that California
Wasn't goin' to be the end
California wasn't gonna be the end.
And tell me where can you hide when
the whole world is ugly and strange
Yea tell me where you gonna turn when
this whole world knows your name
And these four walls are screamin'
And all your friends were so deceiving
Yea you forgot the lines of a part you rehearsed so well
Lyin' awake in the Brazilian Court Hotel

But that's just here,
On the outskirts
Yea, that's here
On the outskirts,
Of your life...

This song reflects so much of we experience when we are living in the outskirts. It is by a group call A Simple Plan.

SIMPLE PLAN LYRICS

Welcome To My Life

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

Well, I always saw myself eventually doing this. Just as I thought I would always like to be a clown, or a minister, or drive a Tercel. I always thought that at some point in my life I would coach kids. Not that I have been a great athlete or a committed athlete with a wealth of experience to pass on, but I do enjoy sports and do have ideas and information and skills to pass on to children as they play. That said the coaching that I will be doing at this point is not so much coaching as child-herding. I managed to get my younger son onto a soccer team late by agreeing to coach (a ploy they have so that they can get enough coaches for the teams).

I remember when my older son played and I thought of the dedication of the coach that this person cared so much that they would volunteer and spend that little extra time to make this happen for the kids. Now I know the truth is they likely were disorganized and failed to get their child registered in time so they had to coach to get their child into the league. Kind of funny.

When my older son played, my younger son watched and wanted to play too. The funny thing is that at that point although he was too young to play, he was more prepared to play. He understood the game better than his brother and he wanted to compete. We'll see how it goes now that he can play. I suspect that he will enjoy himself. One parent, when my older son played, paid their child for every goal they scored. This did not amount to a lot of money, but it was supposed to be a motivator to a child who wasn't overly motivated to play. I don't think I'll be doing that, it would probably break the bank (or at least the bank of dad). In a couple of weeks I will start posting about the team and how it is doing, and probably how wonderful I do as a coach.

The song includes a line, "can't stand that day." I am actually not doing to bad for this being a Monday. I guess it must have been an alright weekend.

There is not a lot to say about the retreat, it went mostly well. Some of the discussion did not get to the place I wanted it to but part of that has to do with the difference between one person thinking and a group working through the process. One of the important points I made about this whole vision process is that as a leadership group, and even as a church, the process that we are working through is just as important as the final product. I could go off for a while, a couple days or a week and come back with a vision for the church, but this would not get us to where we need to go. By talking and working through this, and coming at the process as a community, we do not have to be convinced when we reach our final product. Instead even those who disagree with the final product will be along for the ride because of our working through the process, because of their respecdt for the rest of the group.

I find myself in an interesting pickle. This has nothing to do with vision, but rather with the Sunday School class I have taken on. I started this last fall teaching a group of pre-teens, following the "seed-line". Now I am moving to the next logical phase which is a study of baptism. I also know that last year the mom of two boys told them that they were too young to be baptized last year. The class is designed to teach them the different aspects of baptism and what the commitment means, but will there be a problem if they express interest again and their mom still feels that they are too young? The other problem is that I have no idea where the mom of the other two boys stands on this. These boys range in age from 10 to 13. I think that they can understand the basics and make the choice, but I am thinking about how to talk to the mothers about the class and the likely questions that will follow. The one boy is already asking about baptism, but I know that he does not understand much yet, that said how much do we need to understand? At what point should we make that commitment public? My own son (8) is already asking questions (mostly during communion because he wants to eat some of the emblems). I was only a year older when I decided to become a Christian (maybe two, I was baptized at age 9, but it was in April and my birthday is also in April, so I may have been almost 10). At what age do we as parents allow our children to make these kinds of commitments?

I guess the fear is that they will commit young, but as they get older they will walk away from that commitment. Some do and some don't. The difference is not the readiness to make the commitment, or the willingness to follow through. I wonder if the difference could be traced to the ability, the opportunity to continue to ask questions, the freedom to doubt even some of the most precious parts of your commitment. While this may be a part of it, I suspect that there is a mystery of what takes place inside a person as they mature that sends different people in different directions. Sometimes I feel that parenting is a form of gambling, and they make it addicting by starting you out with such cute, and innocent little babies. I ought to head off to parenting anonymous soon, perhaps then I can overcome this awful addiction.

Tomorrow our church is having its leadership retreat. We have done this for a few years now, the first few consisting of 6 people (then 5 as one person could no longer participate for health reasons). Last year we created a leadership team (since there was one elder here and the other overseas) and that is the group that took part in the retreat. So now this year instead of it being a small group, there are 9 of us at this retreat. Every Sunday I do up 25 programs and give out most, but not all. We have about half of the people that are out on Sundays at this retreat. Interesting.

There are some more general things going on in the morning, discussions of each person's perspective of what is happening in the church, a discussion of issues that are current for us and in the afternoon I get to lead the team through a process of working toward our vision. I am feeling better about this than yesterday, but that is because I basically have on paper what I will be doing. I have 5 pages of type but most of it is reveiw from our town hall meetings, and vision team meetings. Not everyone at this meeting was at those and so there is some need for reveiew. Unfortunately it does not take up a propotial amount of space on the paper as it does time.

With one of my big tasks done, the stress should be less, but I don't feel more cheerful or less cheerful than yesterday. I don't think that I am actually depressed right now, but I am definitely a little low. I seem to be getting some of my tasks done despite this mood difficulty so I will keep muddling through for now. Pray for me, and also for the meeting this weekend.

I'm not very happy right now. It seems like to do the things I am supposed to be doing I need to be passionate about them, but right now I have trouble being passionate. I care about doing this right, but if I don't lead, it won't happen. If I don't care about this, it won't go well. I care about leading well, but I am struck with waves of just wanting out, of wanting to go get the degree I desire and change professions. Unfortunately I don't see anyway to do that conveniently, so I keep putting it on hold.

How do you find passion, find a contentment enough to lead, when you don't feel up to it. It is not that I never feel up to leading, or working on vision, but rather I have these waves that wash over me where I don't think I can do this, where I doubt that I am the one who can really make these changes.

I also feel like I am in the position where I am the only one positioned to lead through this vision process, and if I drop it, it disappears along with the current hope that we are experiencing that we are on the verge of turning around the death count, that we are breathing new life back into a church that has been dying.

When you are on a river or a small lake, the waves that you experience come and wash over you once in a while. They make shake you, but they also pass. In the ocean waves wash over you, but before you get to recover, before you get set again the next wave hits, and again, and again. the waves continue to wash over you, knocking you around until you wonder why you are holding on, why you continue to try to keep your head above the water. Waves.

Sometimes we go through life trying to improve ourselves and and then it seems like we fail. Sometimes we go through life just trying to get the different parts of our life to balance, and just when you think things are starting to balance, a plate falls. One plate falling pretty much spills every other plate. Have you ever dropped something, and in your attempts to catch it you drop something else?

I have to start picking up the plates again and hope that I can still feed some of the stuff to people. Maybe some version of the 5 second rules still applies to our lives. Even though you pick it up, you can never brush everything off again. Time to prepare some of that "fallen food" and see how people respond this weekend, dirt, hair and a few morsels.

This week is going to be a big week. While I prepare for the usual midweek activites (I am not preaching on Sunday though), on Saturday is our annual leadership retreat. It is here that we discuss some of our pet peeves or pet projects that we would like to do more about. We have done some good things because of these meetings, but mostly it has been about discussing things that would otherwise be missed and the leaders would slowly drift apart on thinking without noticing.

Since Easter another couple with two small children have been coming out to church. It is nice to be adding new people but I wonder what it will take to make them feel like a complete part of our group. I have not succeeded (as far as I can tell) at being able to talk much with the husband. I have to bring up his employment, but in a way that he can talk about it (not just "what do you do" that is way too over used and often misses the boat n starting a conversation).

I just read Patrick L 5 Disfunctions of a team and I thought the book was very good. It only took me one night to read the book (from midnight till about 3:00 last Wednesday). I will need to post more on the content of the book but for now I will start with the first disfunction - lack of trust.

He defines this not in the ability to predict what the other person is going to do but rather trust is about the motives of the other person in their decision making. Are they looking out for the team or are they thinking about their best interest and making themselves look good. In church terms it would be are they looking at doing the best for the church, for God or are they seeking their best interest and their preferences. Many a music battle has been fought over this area, trust.

I am getting ready to play hockey tonight. I haven't done anything really active since my last football game. I was only mildly injured, not enough to keep me from playing but enough to bother me. What really kept me from the gym and from hockey has been this cough. Well actually the result of the cough, coughing up phlem. I am still coughing, but I don't think I can stay away much longer. I want to test out my lungs which have seemed weaker this last while. Hopefully I can start to do some of the active things again and keep working at getting into some other shape than what I am in.

On Wednesday night my wife and I went and saw the movie "Be Cool" which is a sequel to the movie "Get Shorty". The movie was not as much about making fun of the business (this time the record business) as it was making fun of itself. Many of the jokes had more to do who was playing what character (like Leo by Danny Devito in the first movie). The actors did a good job of making some of these unbelieveable characters almost seem believeable. The Rock was the funniest of the group, with Vince Vaughn running a close second. I was also amazed at how big Vince Vaughn is. I didn't laugh out loud a lot during the movie, but I was amused throughout and looking back I found it even funnier.

Women's hockey is playing and it looks interesting. It is a close game right now and Finland is giving Canada a run for their money. A 5-3 powerplay by the Fins could really get them back into this game. Guess you'll have to look at TSN to find out who ended up winning.

Well, I guess I must be feeling relaxed because things that have sometimes caused stress, and have made be edgy (in a bad way) are doing nothing. Either I am really relaxed or I am totally out of touch with myself. I am not positive that it is the first but for now I will live my life as if it is.

The song in my head is one written by my wife, "Leprocy". It is to the tune of Yesterday. Do we really understand what leprocy was? I have done some reading, and it focuses on what we understand leprocy to be, but includes side mention of psoriases. I wonder if my troubles with eczema would be considered leprocy in that time period? Would I have been living outside of the town all my life, living among people who just can't keep themselves together?

How alone would they feel? Living outside the community, not being touchable, being so rejected by those close to you. I remember a story from my childhood with such emotion and yet the only reason I know it is because it was told to me. I was a baby and in the hospital for my asthma (I just keep having to use these complicated words that are hard to spell!). I was in an oxygen tent and so my mom wasn't allowed to pick me up. This part was told as a cute thing to me, but I wonder how much this bothered my mom. When I was done in the tent and mom could pick me up, I would turn my back to her. I wonder from this about the feelings that the family and the person with leprocy would experience. The pain of rejection, the pain of having to let go and maybe even let them believe you reject them because they need this help, because this is the law.

I understand that there were leper colonies, or communities, but somehow I have the idea that it was not really a community. We see a glimpse in the movie "Motorcycle diaries" and there is a sense that these people are all in the same boat, but they can't control it. Boating down the river, almost at the falls.

Above is a link to a blog (the guy is actually taking a break for the month of April) that I really enjoy reading. He is a good writer and he writes interesting things.

I had a break this last week/weekend from the normal routine. I spent a few days in Toronto with very little that I actually had to do. It was reported to my wife (who flew back yesterday) that I look refreshed on Sunday as I spoke. I was told about this last night as I started feeling tired and as sick as before I left. I am not as sick as before I left, but I am not better yet. I need to remember to keep my medicine dosage up so that I can get better and then think about reducing it back to the original prescription. This is the doctor's advice.

Sunday was fun as I preached from a different kind of script than normal. I did an introduction that had an idea I had been working on, I spoke about the trip to Toronto, ad-libbing a fair bit. Then I read a description I wrote a while ago about outsiders and living on the outskirts. I then had a few notes that related to the rest of the sermon from the scripture passage (Luke 4:14-30). I was pretty comfortable with most of this, I just needed to write out an ending for this sermon. While I did not end entirely weak, I did not have a clear sense of where the landing strip was, but I brought the sermon to a close without crashing. What I see here is a need to write out the beginning and the end but I can outline the middle as long as I put the thought and work into it as I would normally if I were writing it out. The middle is not usually where my troubles lie in sermon preparation anyway. The middle, the body of a sermon is usually right there in front of people to see and to imagine.

I preach again this week on the 10 lepers. I am thinking about the idea of the way that people feel like they deserve things in life. Not just that you work and deserve a pay-cheque or something like that, but rather the idea that because you exist you deserve a certain standard of living, that because you are you, others should listen to you (whether or not you are worth listening to). We have a great sense of deserving in our society today, it exists in many portions of our society. It even exists within our Christianity. Sometimes we may feel (even if we don't think it) that we deserve to be saved, that of course God would save us, look at what good people we are, look at all that we do for him, look at all that we have given up. I think that is part of this story and I am going to be rummaging through this idea. I would appreciate any comments or idea that anyone might have to contribute to this (stories are always welcome).

I'm not positve that these feet were made for walking, but that just what they did. Today, this morning actually, I walked from the Hilton hotel, downtown up to college, where the address was about 120 something and then I walked until I came to the address 1109. I was looking for a bookstore I looked up in the phone book, and I found it, but it turned out to be a portugeuse book store. This would not have been too bad of a walk if at every block the number changed, but it didn't. It took two or three blocks to get through each of the 100s. It turned into a bigger walk than I had planned. Since I had gone so far anyway, I decided to go a few more blocks up to another store I had looked up that was on 700 block of Bloor. It turned out to be a Korean bookstore, and I almost missed it entirely because the sign was not in english. After that I walk back along Bloor till I reached Chapters, I knew that they would have a few books in English that I could look at. Finally I walked to Bay and then back down to the hotel. It was quite an adventure for one morning.

Last night my wife and saw Mamma Mia. It was an interesting show with some questionable morals, but hey what do you expect living a society of questionable morals (most show seems to reflect this part of our society). It was very entertaining and so well performed that we loved it. The actors were for the most part very believable and they also had pipes to belt out these wonderful pop tune from my childhood (mostly stuff my disco brothers listened too, I was too young to really be into music that much). We were both in awe of the singing of Blythe Wilson who played the mother in the show. As she acted, you could read her face which is a difficult thing to pull off on stage with no camera to direct people's attention. Marisa McIntyre played the role of Sophie the daughter who was getting married and captured that role so well.

An upcoming musical, Lord of the Rings, has us wondering if we will be back in Toronto next year in time to catch it. Yeah, we like going to the theatre. You know, there is an entirely different energy coming out live theatre than what you experience leaving Silver City. The movie maybe exciting, it maybe invigorating, it may even challenge you, but when you leave live theatre you were just a little more engaged, a little more "there" than the big screen. Movies also have a lot of effects, and to do effects on stage is different, even the scene changes. You are just pulled into something different, something live. Maybe if I had just a little less inhibitions, and a lot more courage I would try doing some instead of just watching. Such is life.