Eric Bailey's

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, we were all running everywhere, even the mouse.

I had all my Christmas shopping done, but then I had to go today and get just one last thing. Isn't that just the way it is. "Just one more wafer..."

Yesterday we practiced worship so that tonight we would be able to worship appropriately. I shouldn't laugh too much at this since I practice my sermons, and my dad even taught me to practice my readings (which is all I have to practice for tonight).

I keep noticing that whenever I drive down one road in town here, it reminds me of my recent troubles. Yet this is a road that I often take to get places, it is a good short cut road, but I am starting to think of avoiding that road because of the things it brings to mind. Would that work, or do I just have to dull those memories by continuing to use that road?

On the brighter side we have our van rented, we have our presents almost all wrapped, we are set for Christmas. We are joining friends for Christmas eve dinner and then having a big Christmas brunch as a family.

My younger son has taken to moving out to the livingroom quite early in the morning, and then every morning asking, "Is it Christmas yet?" Today he did not ask, he knows that it is tomorrow. He is excited. I am hoping to see some happy faces as everyone opens their gifts, but I am hainging on to receipts just in case. The joys of Boxing Day - exchanging gifts. I don't recall ever doing it myself, but I know I have helped my wife do that (with the clothes that I have bought her in the past). I fear I will be helping again. I'd say more but she reads this from time to time. At least she has no idea what most of her gifts are, but I am impressed with them. I am hoping that my older son is happy with his gifts, but he did not think of these when he was making up his lists. The joys of thinking outside the box (and the wrapping paper?!?!?). This is going to be interesting. I can't wait till tomorrow either, maybe I'll wake up before Liam and beat him to the draw, "Is it Christmas yet?"

The morning was spent stuffing envelopes and sending emails. While this did not take a lot of time, it was good to get it done so that we could get on with other important matters. It seems that every year the weight of sending out the Christmas cards and newsletter slows us down. There have been years that we have prepared it and somehow it sat in a corner waiting to go. A year later we discover that we never sent those Christmas cards. I hope the ones on the table do better this year, especially since some of them are even stamped.

I am doing reading now about autism, and trying to learn what I can. Maybe this is a way of coping, but I still worry. People reassure me, but I still worry. The Bible says not to, but I still worry. Maybe I can develop that distinguished grey haired look this way. It is only the things that we cannot control that we can really worry about, everything else we just need to get up and start doing.

Oh look it is another song title. It also describes how long it has been since I have done much on line. I have not posted here, or read other blogs, or posted at GC Magazine discussion, or any of my usual haunts. I have not downloaded my email daily. This last while has been different.

Why. Sure I had lots to do, but I often have lots to do. I think the main factor is convenience. I do not always have convenient access to the internet. I have to move my laptop to a connection or to another room.

So what has happened since? I preached my last sermon for a couple of months last week. People got lots out of it, like one expression of love is if you have hearts in your eyes. It was a strange experience. Those kids who sit there and seem oblivious during the sermon, all of a sudden spoke up. I gave multiple opportunity for interaction from the congregation, and the kids got involved. On topic no less. The first child to comment gave a priceless response. How do you show love to others? Stare. At his age, this is exactly right. I love that he even understood it.

Monday we had the opposite kind of a day. We had a meeting with the team who tested our oldest son. All the time leading up to this, we had been hearing the term Aspergers, as the diagnosis. We were starting to get comfortable with the idea when they changed it. On Friday when we met with a children's doctor he kept mentioning Autism, which threw me. I was pretty quiet during this whole meeting. I did not have questions, because I was a lttle confused and surprised by the idea that now he was suggesting Autism (with some ADHD tendancies!). Then Monday the diagnosis was Autism. The speech pathologist (I think I have the right term here) gave the fullest report (we have a copy, and I need to look at it again if I am going to be able to explain what she said). The main difference between Autism and Asperger's from what I picked up from this meeting is that Asperger's will try to interact socially and want to interact socially, but fail. Autism there is not a desire to interact socially. The autistic person will tend towards a very ego-centric outlook. This may be simplifying, and may only apply to certain ages, but this is the impression that we had.

Again I did not talk much during this and my wife had to carry the conversation with the professionals. Luckily she told me later that her way of coping is to become very logical and so she was coping by asking questions. I was imploding. Can and autistic child grow up, go to university, have girlfriends (or at least one), get married, have children? Can an autistic child become a fully functioning part of society? Can an autistic child develop faith?

It is these kinds of questions that have haunted me since my oldest child was a baby, and one day the thought crossed my mind. I think that we were concerned about his hearing which is fine.

As he starts to get older and get into more abstract ideas, we will see how functioning he is going to be. They told us that most high functioning autistic people struggle with abstract, and prefer the literal. As school continues, it gets more abstract, and less literal. He will start to struggle as he continues. Ouch. I don't want my genuis child to go from being so smart to being unable to understand!

We can only wait and see for much of this, and I cannot let on to him how concerned I am. He needs my support. This is a scary time for me.

I am getting ready to speak this week on the advent topic (theme) of love. I recognize a lot of themes around Christmas, but this one is a bit more vague. It has a milliion different focus points. I just am not sure where to start.

I kind of like what Richard did last Sunday, asking for song with joy in it, but I was thinking perhaps trying to get a wider range of songs. But that was done last week too, so I am not sure about doing the same thing (unless it was my idea) two weeks in a row.

Love, it can be an overwhelming topic for a sermon. Where to start, where to finish. Perhaps it has to start with the most quoted verse of the Bible. John 3:16 then 1 or 2 Peter where it talks about God not wanting anyone to perish. Then the plan - John 1, and the birth narratives. Focus on Immanual - God with us. That leaves application - how to live, what to do about this idea that God came near. I'm still not sure if this is the right outline for a sermon. More thinking required, maybe a clearer head. What to do ...

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I wanted to post a Psalm that I read last night that for some odd reason appealed to me. I just really liked it and wanted to share it.

Psalm 38
A psalm of David. A petition.

1 O LORD , do not rebuke me in your anger
    or discipline me in your wrath.
    2 For your arrows have pierced me,
    and your hand has come down upon me.
    3 Because of your wrath there is no health in my body;
    my bones have no soundness because of my sin.
    4 My guilt has overwhelmed me
    like a burden too heavy to bear.

    5 My wounds fester and are loathsome
    because of my sinful folly.
    6 I am bowed down and brought very low;
    all day long I go about mourning.
    7 My back is filled with searing pain;
    there is no health in my body.
    8 I am feeble and utterly crushed;
    I groan in anguish of heart.

    9 All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
    my sighing is not hidden from you.
    10 My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
    even the light has gone from my eyes.
    11 My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds;
    my neighbors stay far away.
    12 Those who seek my life set their traps,
    those who would harm me talk of my ruin;
    all day long they plot deception.

    13 I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear,
    like a mute, who cannot open his mouth;
    14 I have become like a man who does not hear,
    whose mouth can offer no reply.
    15 I wait for you, O LORD ;
    you will answer, O Lord my God.
    16 For I said, "Do not let them gloat
    or exalt themselves over me when my foot slips."

    17 For I am about to fall,
    and my pain is ever with me.
    18 I confess my iniquity;
    I am troubled by my sin.
    19 Many are those who are my vigorous enemies;
    those who hate me without reason are numerous.
    20 Those who repay my good with evil
    slander me when I pursue what is good.

    21 O LORD , do not forsake me;
    be not far from me, O my God.
    22 Come quickly to help me,
    O Lord my Savior.

I spent last night thinking and writing a little. I have been toying with this image of the outskirts for a while, but yesterday it toyed with me. My dream, my desire has been to build a community that exists on the outskirts, for the misfits, the ecclectic, the disenfranchised. I have always been drawn to those on the outside, thosewho do not fit in, to the outskirts.

People who live in the outskirts think differently, but feel in the same way. People on the outskirts see life, see others differently, but want to be accepted, want to be inside. We may not want to fit in, we don't want to do what they do, but we do want to be normal, to be accepted.

To find community, to find caring, to find hope on the outskirts is hard. To find it for a while, only to have it taken away is even harder. The outskirts is filled with pain, with rejection. Whispers float in the air all around. "He's wierd, he's ugly, he's fat, he's strange, he doesn't belong here, don't talk to him, just keep walking wierdo." Only finding a community, a family can drive those sounds away. A community, a family that welcomes your difference, your perspective, your wierdness, and gives you a safe place to express it.

The picture in the extreme, think of the movie Awakenings. Robert DeNiro's character has an illness that separates him from his body. He cannot make himself live and interact with people. A Parkinson's treatment gives a temporary fix for him allowing him to interact with society again, but after a while it is no longer effective, and he disappears again, leaving only his body to go through the motions of life. He describes it as a prison that he is screaming to get out, but he cannot. That is life on the outskirts. You live and exist in the same world as everyone one else, but you see things differently. Something just seems to prevent you from being able to interact "normally", from being like everyone else. No matter how hard you yell and scream and shake the bars, you cannot escape your prison. If you live in the outskirts, you may recognize the image, the feeling of isolation, the sense of being trapped. Can you see the outskirts?

Every once in a while you hear a phrase that strikes fear into your heart like, "You go down to the principal's office!" or "I think we need to talk," and even "Do you know what today is?"

Well, the parent-teacher interview was something that I was unsure about, not quite to the level of some of those others, but I was waiting for the bad news. It never really came. I learned that my younger son has a good friend in his class (and they are the high energy kids). The teacher was concerned to know if his behavior at home had changed any, but it has not. I did not get the impression that he was having any troubles in school. I am sure that if he was we would have been told.

My older son's teacher met with us next. The ten minute interview went about 40-50 minutes. She so won us over to the positives of what was happening in class and with him, that when she did talk about some of his weaknesses, we were even upbeat about those. This teacher seems to have fostered a class room where the kids all encourage each other, and help each other. It just oozes with positive messages and feelings. My son loves this class and feels free to take risks (although he takes risks when he does not feel safe, but less of them), and to do stuff with the class and for the class, and even make announcements and jokes for the whole school. He is enjoying himself, and the teacher is hopefull that from the work that the other people are doing with H that there will be a plan to help him develop even more. She thinks that there is so much more still to draw out of him. I think this year is going to be a good one for him. For this year anyway, I won't have to fear the phrase "parent-teacher interview".

Today was the big Christmas Ministerial meeting. We had turkey soup and sandwiches. At this event there were some new people and some spouses which most of the group did not know. To deal with this the person in charge has us all say our name and what our ministry was. When it got to my wife's turn she used an old joke that we have had for quite a while, "Hi, my name is E and I support my husbands ministry "habit." " The reaction was quite surprising since we are used to the joke and kind of just ignore it. People laughed a lot at that one. Later as some were reflecting with the rest of the group that image was reflected on, the idea of the ministry habit, and how we are all addicted to working for God and the good and bad of it.

I think I am starting to twitch, I better get another injection of Bible. "Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house."

That's better.

I have been putting this off today because there is not much to say about what has been going on. The boys are in school, we plan to see the teachers Thursday for the Parent-Teacher interviews, just to find out how they are doing in the class room, maybe drag out a story or two about them. My oldest got his report card the other day and things seemed better than last year already and this is before schools start handing out "A"s so with a bunch of "B"s he is doing well (one "C"). Oral something or other related to communication seems to consistently be a problem for him (in his last school and in this one), so hopefully some of the things that were tested in the last meeting will come out with some ways to help him in this. He is always willing to talk, but sometimes can't find the word.

I don't have a lot going on that is anything but normal, meetings, visits, study, work, whatever. It is good stuff and I am enjoying these. I am not feeling as low as I did a few weeks ago, but once in a while feelings creep in that drag me down.

I had a good talk with my brother yesterday who is going through similar struggles with his son. We both wonder about genetics, but can see the brilliance in the boys as they do their own things.

I am planning to take my wife on a big date this Friday (which might even interfere with hockey - sacrilege!) I was invited to a play that is taking place an Redwood (by the Pastor himself! - along with enough other people to fill the 6 tables he himself is hosting). I hope the play is good so I can make score some big points with the wifey. Not much else going on ... I guess no news is... no news.

We just received our first Christmas card in the mail today. We were so busy with our day off that it almost went all day before being noticed.

First the busyness was a good one. My wife and spent all day together shopping for gifts for people that we put on our list. Discussing and picking out the perfect gift for that person (if you are on the list and received a gift, know that it is the perfect gift for you no matter what you might think, my wife and I know). We walked and shpped and talked. Nothing big was decided, no surprises, just and enjoyable time dealing with ideas and thoughts that have only to do with the here and now. It was a nice way to spend the day, although both of us were tired afterward.

Second the Christmas card. This couple has been faithfully sending us a card ever since we moved away to this distant land (it used to be hand delivered in Regina, now it is done by mail to our home). Last year the card included a plea for our annual Christmas letter. Every year my wife and I sit down and compose our Christmas letter (Coffee with Baileys - funny huh?). Then we prepare Christmas cards to go. We address them and stack them, stuff them. Unfortunately the past two years did not go out. I am not sure about the year before that either. So we made a special effort to have one ready for this couple, but somehow (like all the others) their card did not go. Here we are with all the pleasure of having gone out of our way to return the favor of the family news and updates, without them having had the joy of receiving it or even knowing that we made one for them. Good intentions only go so far, at some point you actually have to do the real thing if you want it to really matter.

Guess it is just about time to write another Christmas letter, I hope that this one gets out.

This morning my oldest son had a meeting with three professionals and two others in another room observing. Meanwhile I sat in another room with my younger son while he played. I could have observed, but not my younger son so I stayed with him in a different room.

At the end there was the promise of a meeting where we get to hear about their observations and an opportunity to hear their conclusions. I wonder where they are going, what they want to happen from this, but I am also afraid of what they might say. Not a continuous shaking kind of fear, but rather a nagging voice in the back of my head wondering if there might be something big that we never saw coming.

I found out that he had some sort of speech evaluation done last year, but I don't know anything about it. All I know is that I received a package for this summer (which I did nothing about). One of the people at the meeting this time was also a speech therapist (or something like that) and I hope to hear more about that soon. I guess I am just a little anxious about this whole thing and how it will turn out. I wonder about all the condemning things that parents think about, all thr things I did wrong, all the things that I should have and should be doing differently. I guess I'll just have to wait.

Well okay so it is a couple of letters that stands for two words, but it has to do with what I did today.

This morning I went with my wife to her conference to take in one of the presenters there. The person was the PR person for a large school board in the GTA. He was speaking about what PR really was about and why it would be important to schools. The kinds of things he talked about was relevant to me in my work with the church. Who is the people who need to understand the importance of this are the members of the congregation. It is what they say, and what they think about the church that is the best way to let people know what our church is all about. Complaints are seen as inside information, and carry even more power than the praise that is said.

We can put any kind of statements out about who we are as a church, but it is the way that the people who go there talk and act that tell others more about the church.

I have lots of reading to do from this session, in one huge handout that was not in the order that he presented, and that should make it even tougher to decipher.

With that and the library plus running people around, I had a busy day that was not spent at home, or at my computer.

Tomorrow my oldest son will be doing some more testing to see about his development and other issues he has been having. While it seems to be already concluded what the issue is, the specifics of how to deal with it and to develop a program or system to help him deal with it and strategies to cope with life. I am not sure I am ready to sold on a diagnosis yet, but it seems to be past that stage by the way the professionals have been talking. I guess we will see tomorrow. My son is not too happy about the idea of missing school, though.

Last time he had tests, he was greeted at the door to his class with some kids specifically calling out to say hello. They sseemed excited that he was back. I like that. This school year seems to be much better for him.

My younger son is still bothered by the ski-pants teasing he received. I am considering talking to the teacher, but I am not sure what happened or when it happened or what can be done about it. Right now I am just thinking it is important that the teacher knows it happened. I wonder if there has been any other teasing going on in that class? Maybe I can do something tomorrow when I take my older son back to school.

Last night I went to see the movie Ray. I enjoyed myself. The movie told me more about the life of Ray Charles than I knew before, it told me some things I already knew. Mostly though, the music of the movie reminded me of so many different things. I remembered enjoyable things about my childhood, I remembered time with my dad. I experienced the nostalgia of good feelings, even though some of the songs are extremely sad.

Watching and enjoying movies may have less to do with the movie itself, but more to do with the memories and the thoughts that are touched through the movie. It is especially about the songs that are chosen that can significantly impact a movies feel. In one sense that is totally out of the movie makers hands, but for most people it is a predictable feeling that some songs bring.

I have seen some churches make use of pop songs in their worship services that help connect the theme or message of the day with the real world. Our music is a world of memories, even the sad songs bring back happy times, or even sad times that we can relive. The music I want to hear is music that bring back those feelings from my youth, from growing up with family around. I want to hear more of that music.